Mention the terms "etiquette" or "good manners" and the most boring or
vacuous conversation or meeting becomes highly charged. Why would such
old-fashioned terms create that lively interest? One reason is that
manners and etiquette seem to be disappearing and they are essential to
building a career in real estate and in all professions.
Many people are too "busy" or preoccupied with "more important things" to practice common courtesies – responding to R.S.V.P.'s, extending a "thank you," making good introductions, and treating others with courtesy and respect. Some people it seems were never taught the "niceties," thoughtfulness nor conversation. Yet bad manners can be deadly...both to the reputation and to the bottom line. Having these traits builds referrals, good will and a great reputation.
Many people are too "busy" or preoccupied with "more important things" to practice common courtesies – responding to R.S.V.P.'s, extending a "thank you," making good introductions, and treating others with courtesy and respect. Some people it seems were never taught the "niceties," thoughtfulness nor conversation. Yet bad manners can be deadly...both to the reputation and to the bottom line. Having these traits builds referrals, good will and a great reputation.
How are we supposed to behave at a client lunch, an interview, party, reception or convention? In general? The same as on the job: VERY WELL!
The problem is that life has gotten confusing because technology has impacted our lives so dramatically and is changing at warp speed. Even people who were taught various "white glove" schools of etiquette often don't have any idea what they're doing in today's digital world.
ETIQUETTE AND MANNERS
Etiquette is defined as the usages and rules for behavior in polite society, official or professional life. Certain basic rules are still accepted as the norm, and it behooves us to know both the old etiquette and the new etiquette. The executive suites of corporate America require it. The savvy person knows and incorporates business etiquette in their daily interactions.
But knowing the rules of etiquette is not enough. What we're really after is manners – that wonderful combination of courtesy, caring and common sense.
There is a difference between knowing the rules of etiquette, being a person of manners, and the manner in which we relate to others. Some people follow every rule of etiquette, but have a manner that is rude, condescending or patronizing.
There is an old story about a Washington hostess who noticed that one of her guests used the wrong fork at a formal dinner, and pointed out this error to him in front of the other guests. She knew the proper etiquette, but showed a lack of good manners. Why? People with good manners don't embarrass others.
In contrast, when Lady Astor's guest picked up the wrong fork, she picked up the wrong fork, too, so that he wouldn't be embarrassed.
People with good manners also treat others with respect. Knowing the rules is one thing; caring about people and treating them with consideration is something else.
Courtesy is the cornerstone of good manners. According to my Standard Collegiate Dictionary, "to be courteous is to be polite while having a warmer regard for the feelings and dignity of others." Manners, according to Dictionary.com are "ways of behaving with reference to polite standards; social comportment"
This is reflected in our use of the techno toys, cell phones, IPODS, and even that old standby, the CD player or the car radio. I was once in an old friend's car who continued to listen to her favorite talk radio station while we tried to have a conversation! What a message that sent me! It's how we behave with clients, co-workers, friends, family and strangers.
If people are comfortable with us, our presence at any event will be valued. And we will be remembered...for the right reasons.
MANNERS MAVENS
The bad news is that the rules have changed...and continue to change and at warp speed.
The good news is that it's easy to get help. The changing rules of etiquette have spawned a whole new industry. Books, columns, seminars, software programs and websites on etiquette are readily available. There is a great demand for expert consultants who can show us the acceptable conventions for social and business behavior, because people want to know. That is one of the reasons my presentations have been so popular in the business world. People need the reminders.
Miss Manners (to whom you may only write in blue or blue black ink – never peacock blue) has written several books and has a syndicated column. Letitia Baldrige, former social secretary to Jackie Kennedy, has written both Letitia Baldrige's Complete Guide to Executive Manners and a revised edition of Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette. There is a plethora of practical guides.
Baldridge claims that manners are 99% common sense and 1% kindness.
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RSVP@MINDYOURMANNERS.COM
Online invite sites are popular as they are fast, expedient although somewhat impersonal. While the online invite and RSVP sites may work for a big bash, I hope it does not supplant the wedding, christening, bar mitzvah and baby shower invitations that arrive with a stamp...and my stamp of approval. There is something so special about receiving a real invitation with a personally addressed.
Online invite sites are popular as they are fast, expedient although somewhat impersonal. While the online invite and RSVP sites may work for a big bash, I hope it does not supplant the wedding, christening, bar mitzvah and baby shower invitations that arrive with a stamp...and my stamp of approval. There is something so special about receiving a real invitation with a personally addressed.
To R.S.V.P. shows good manners, good business, consideration, breeding and respect
INTRODUCTIONS
Many people feel awkward about introductions because they remember being taught that there was one right way to do it – and they can't remember what that one right way is. So they stand there, with two people whom they want to introduce, stammering, "Uh...Jon, meet Susan...uh, no...Susan, Jon. My friend...uh..." Much of the warmth goes out of an introduction when we don't feel comfortable.
It helps if there is a reception line. If you see one, head directly for it and introduce yourself to the host. Give some information about yourself that he or she can pass on as you are introduced to the next person in line. If there is no reception line, take a deep breath and rely on the strategies we've discussed. If you spot people with "host" badges, introduce yourself to them and hope that they will introduce you around.
Letitia Baldrige makes introductions very simple in her always timely Complete Guide to Executive Manners. She says that the most important thing to remember about introducing people is to do it, "even if you forget names, get confused or blank out on the proper procedure."
Ms. Baldrige's Guidelines to Introductions:
"Introducing people is one of the most important acts in business life…"
1. Introduce a younger person to an older person.
2. Introduce a peer in your company to a peer in another company.
3. Introduce a nonofficial person to an official person.
4. Introduce a junior executive to a senior executive.
5. Introduce a fellow executive to a customer or client.
The idea is always to introduce the "less important" person to the "more important" person. (We know these people aren't really less or more important on a human level, but we're dealing here with arbitrary societal conventions.) What if the CEO is younger than the person you want to introduce? Use common sense and assess the situations on a case-by-case basis.
Baldrige offers these examples:
• "Mr. Cummins, I'd like to present my daughter Cynthia. Cynthia, this is Mr. Sherwood Cummins, the president of our company."
• "Mr. and Mrs. Crawford, I'd like to introduce to you a fellow executive from Standard Oil, Eric Jones. Tim, this is Mr. and Mrs. Brent Crawford, good friends of my parents."
About using people's titles, she says, "When introducing people of equal standing, you do not have to use a title unless you are introducing an older person, a professional, or someone with official rank." In other words, you might use the "titles" of Dr. Wara, Senator Boxer, Father Paul or Rabbi Weiner – but the two new vice presidents might be simply Jennifer Walker and Michael Berringer.
When introducing a public official, use his or her title even if he or she no longer holds the position. You would say either "Mayor Brown" or "former Mayor Brown", "President Clinton" or "former President Clinton."
Proper etiquette is important in introductions, but we shouldn't become such slaves to it that we lose our warmth or our humor. The most important thing is that people know you want them to meet one another. When in doubt, just give the names and some indication of who the people are and what they might have in common. And say so with respect and regard and enthusiasm.
Never ever "shorten" someone's formal name unless they invite you to do so. My name is Susan, not Sue. I know Roberts, Davids, James and Judiths who do NOT go by Bob, Dave, Jim or Judy.
NAMING NAMES
People like to be remembered...by name. But it's not easy to remember everyone, particularly if we meet a lot of people.
The classic Name Nightmare.... You are at a reception for a local charity, attended by about two hundred people and held in the ballroom of a local hotel. A man approaches you and says, "Craig, it's so good to see you again!"
Your mind races, your heart pounds, a bead of perspiration forms on your brow. You don't have a clue who this person is.
What to do? Pretend you don't see or hear him, turn, and make a hundred yard dash across the room?
Obviously not. The best solution is to tell the truth... preferably with some humor. You might try:
• "Forgive me. It's been such a busy day, I barely remember my own name."
• "Please, help me out. I've just gone blank...it's genetic."
Who is going to say, "No, I want to watch you squirm until you remember my name"?
By the same token, don't let people squirm to remember your name or who you are. Always state your name clearly, immediately, and with energy. Give the other person some idea of who you are or how you may have met.
Memory expert Dr. Joan Minninger, author of Total Recall (a memory book, not the movie), offers some tips for remembering names. The first is to decide to remember. She recommends that we say our name, and repeat the other person's name, while shaking hands – because this physical gesture makes for kinesthetic reinforcement. Looking for an unusual physical characteristic and focusing on it also helps connect the name with the face.
And finally, for those of us who did not grow up in California (where everyone is called by his or her first name), there is the problem of what to call people. Do we use the first name, the "Mr., Mrs., or Ms." form, or the formal title?
Option #1: Use the formal title (Dr. Keane, General Powell, Father Larry). People who want you to call them by their first names will invite you to do so. "Please call me Jim." If they don't offer the first name, stick to the title.
Option #2: Ask. "Do you prefer to be called Dr. Wojtal?"
THANK YOU'S
Not everyone writes thank you notes these days, but it is an extremely gracious gesture and one that is appreciated by every host or hostess or person who provided you the referral to your new client or a vendor who has done a favor.
A former professor and educational consultant said, "If I take the time to plan the menu, shop, clean the house, cook, serve the dinner, and clean up afterwards, that may take four to six hours! My guest certainly has a few moments to write a note or card to say thank you."
With the desire to be memorable and stand out from the crowd so prevalent, sending thank you notes makes a lasting, positive impression.
To email or not? Handwritten notes are quickly becoming a lost art, and some people complain that it takes too much time to write thank you notes by hand. But most "manners mavens" agree that the handwritten note is more valued. It reflects personal care, thought, and time expended. An e-mail can be sent as a quick acknowledgement, followed by the handwritten note or card. Savvy networkers understand that the time it takes to put pen to paper is an investment. When we take the time to personalize our notes we distinguish ourselves from the crowd and become memorable. I still have the thank you notes my mortgage broker sent me.
MISCELLANEOUS MANNERS (THREE TIPS)
1. People expect that we will "bring something to the banquet." That means, at the very least, energy, enthusiasm, conversation, information and humor. Approach people with a smile, a handshake and an open, upbeat greeting. And look them in the eye. Invite people into your conversations once they get started.
2. Exiting conversations and moving ¼ of the room away so you don't look as if you've "turned your back" on your conversation partner is gracious.
3. Judging people by their appearances can be a grievous error.
It's important to consult the "manners mavens" to keep abreast of changing patterns in etiquette, but even more important to be a person of manners – one who genuinely cares about other people and makes an effort to make them feel comfortable. Manners are a combination of common sense and kindness.
Do the gracious thing, the thing you would like done if you were in the other person's place - whether you are responding to invitations, making introductions or extending a "thank you."
The bottom line: Be nice, and be thoughtful and considerate of others, even in the techno-toy room.
ROANE'S REMINDERS
• Good Manners = Good Business
• We are never too busy to bypass common courtesy – which is having a regard for feelings and dignity of others.
• Don't save nanoseconds. Invest time in the "niceties."
• Know The Rules of Business Etiquette:
• Table Manners
• Introductions
• Guest and Host Behavior
• Cyberspace
• R.S.V.P. ... don't show up, forget to attend or wait for better offers.
• Don't presume informality: wait until it is offered.
• Thank-you NOTES are a sign of acknowledgement, appreciation and manners.
• Send a thank-you for the Tangibles: gifts, checks, meals
• and the Intangibles: ideas, leads, referrals, advice and listening.
• Never shorten someone's name, unless told to do so. ("Please call me Dave" is the invitation to do so.)
This article is based on Susan RoAne's books: Face To Face: How To Reclaim The Personal Touch in A Digital World and How To Work A Room®
For daily tips, ideas, and information: Follow Susan on Twitter www.twitter.com/susanroane
