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Has someone nearby
been sending you emails rather than calling or meeting you face-to-face?
When you do get together, does she or he stand back, avoid holding eye
contact or speaking up? While there are many
possible reasons for their behavior, that person may, in fact, be a
victim of what has become "the third most prevalent psychiatric
disorder," according to Dr. Lynne Henderson, a director of The
Shyness Clinic. Yes, shyness. Along with Dr. Phil Zimbardo of Stanford
University, Henderson has been studying what they believe is a growing
social epidemic. In their research,
nearly half of Americans described themselves as chronically shy,
another 40% considered themselves to be previously shy, and only about
5% believed they were never shy. Shy people tend to
smile, touch, and speak less. In social situations they experience
symptoms such as rapid heart beat, perspiration, and butterflies in the
stomach . . . often. Henderson and Zimbardo say shyness is a form of
excessive self-preoccupation. Shy people think more negative thoughts
about themselves, are more likely to expect to be rejected, and perceive
others as less approachable than less shy people. They are even more
likely to forget information presented to them when they believe they
are being evaluated. In short, the world looks like a scary, unfriendly
place, so -- ironically -- they prove themselves right and often look
unapproachable. At what cost? Shy people obviously have more trouble meeting people, conversing, forming relationships -- participating in life. Professor emeritus Thomas
Harrell of Stanford University examined Stanford MBAs over a 20-year
period to elicit their "success" factor and found that
"the number one factor linked with success was social extrovertism,
the ability to speak up," something shy people are least apt to do. The bad news continues. In addition to the pervasive loneliness shyness engenders, two potent negative consequences of shyness are:
Metaphorically,
shyness is a shrinking back from life that weakens the bonds of human
connection. In her book, That's Not What I Meant, Dr. Deborah
Tannen wrote that "Little of what we say is really important,
relative to the words that are used, but it is the conversation itself
that shows involvement”. Why are more American describing themselves as shy? Is it our growing social isolation? Machines are replacing humans in many of our everyday interactions, from
bank ATMs to gas stations to email. Dr. Henderson believes that
"The growing context of indifference to others means a lowered
priority is being given to being social”.
With less time spent in face-to-face interaction, people are
feeling less comfortable with their ability to connect when they do want
that closeness, turning modern-day shy. What can you do to
reach out through your shyness? Consider reading shyness expert,
Jonathan Berent, who offers four pieces of advice that I have
paraphrased here: 1. When you feel
safe, you do not feel shy. Seek out and create
safe environments to experience the non-shy parts of yourself, where you
can be completely yourself without fear of judgment or negative
consequences. 2. You are
responsible for your actions, not your feelings. A natural instinct is
to be driven to get rid of uncomfortable feelings. But you cannot remove
feelings or control them. You can only feel them and then move on to
what you want to feel or do next. 3. Your feelings are not within your control, but your follow-up thoughts and actions are. Trying not to feel
shy leads you to trying not to feel at all. Try stuffing your feelings
and you might turn compulsive, obsessive, addicted to something or
someone, and/or withdraw. Instead, try to stay with your feelings of
shyness and see the worst you can feel, Then, over time, you'll know
that you can survive and even thrive in situations that had seemed
scary. 4. Shy people are often attracted to those who do not return the affection, which is a very painful way of creating safety. Knowing this, you can
become more aware of people who are comfortable enough to reciprocate
your reaching out. One final, personal
note. Most of my childhood I was quiet and kept to myself, mostly
because I enjoyed daydreaming and reading. But most people thought I was
shy, and I saw how isolating their view could make my life if I did not
learn to reach out more so people would be comfortable with me when I
did want to connect. We all know from harsh experience that, although everyone yearns to be known and cared for, not everyone knows how to show appreciation in the face of caring. You "say it better" to connect and care, not because those gestures will always be acknowledged, but because it is your brave and warm expression of how you want to live your life. Yes? |
