Feedback, especially the unsolicited kind, is a thorn in my side. I wrote about the issue over 15 years ago and included the topic in three books. Sad to say, the situation has NOT improved.
The person whose unwanted, unsolicited and mean-spirited comments inspired my original musings has cranked up the volume and has NOT mellowed with age, experience or smarts. She just managed to insult and hurt a friend who, due to a medical condition, suffered hair loss and was wearing a wig that looks great. Ms Spoken asked if it was a wig and when my friend confirmed it was, Ms. Spoken then said, “I could tell”. Yes, and was a telling remark that proved she is not only a feedback fool but also stupid. And Ms. Spoken is not alone. There are far too many people ready to tell that which is not their business.
Just think about it… how many people have ventured forth opinions about your life? Choices? Job? Weight? Living arrangements? Wardrobe? Hairstyle? Goals? And you NEVER asked them their opinion? Yes, they admit to being ‘frank’ and ‘telling it like it is’… and all that means is that are giving their perception not our reality.
‘YOU ought’, ‘you should’, have you ever considered’ are some key phrases these dispensers of disenchanting dissing use as a guise. What they are really saying is ‘I DON”T LIKE how you look, live your life, dress or decorate or cook or do your jobs or pitch or drive… cars or golf balls.
One of my colleagues felt close enough to tell a mutual friend that he needed ‘face work’ in these competitive times. She stressed how much younger and vital he would look with an eye job. He rather liked himself and is comfortable in his own skin and with growing older. What an affront! The point is that he did not ask how ‘MS I’ve had 3 cosmetic surgeries’ thought he could improve.
There has been an ‘eye’ job of sorts. Since MS Fixits comments, our buddy looks at her --- and their friendship--quite differently.
Some of these Errant Feedback Fools may even say they care so much about us that they want to ‘share their thoughts. Please… share is what we do with vacation condos and pizza…not with unsolicited advice. A dear relative recently told me that my “hair was too long for my age”. How odd. I know that the weight charts, insurance and medical plans take age into account but I had no idea that hair length had an age related ratio. Most important, I never asked her for her opinion of my hair length.
I am not talking about ignoring a dangerous situation with a friend or relative that requires an intervention of sorts. That is a different matter. A minister friend of mine had to do a family intervention for his own teenage son who was using drugs. We should be smart and loving enough to recognize those situations which require us to step forward and those where we need to stand down and stay quiet.
There are times when feedback is required. Performance appraisals are an important tool and one that the best of managers and bosses know how to use to improve quality of work. Teachers are required to evaluate and assess on many levels every day. And they must do the difficult thing of telling parents their findings in such a way that parents can ‘hear’ such analyses.
As a former teacher who gave many parent conferences, I can assure you that there is no more difficult situation than telling a parent that their precious progeny is underperforming and /or misbehaving in unacceptable ways. But being able to deliver the info in such a manner so that the parents work with the teacher and the student towards progress, is paramount to success. And that feedback is required.
But most people are not grading us… although it often feels that way and is so grating.
The person who feels compelled to tell us how to change and what to do or not to do…when we never asked …is OUT OF LINE.
I got more gray hair from people telling me to get rid of it… than from the process of going gray naturally!
Recently, one of the advice columnists received a letter from a new Mom advising the rest of us to be considerate. And she provided some pointers: call before you visit. Don’t come for 30 minutes and stay 3 hours. Don’t expect to be served food. Bring a casserole dish for the family or a dessert and DON’T give child-rearing advice. It is unwelcomed. Very rarely does a new parent ask other people HOW to raise their children. So what is the point of offering your ‘for 2 cents plain’ (it’s another name for seltzer water---- and also means opinions)? There is no point.
Image consultant, Diane Parente, had great fashion advice for a business client, a Dad who dressed well, when he wondered how he could get his son not to wear the baggy, jeans beneath the waist. Her advice was brilliant. “Your son will not listen to what you tell him is a better style of dressing. Why not just invest in an outfit similar to the one his is wearing and start wearing it? I guarantee that within a week…. He will change his fashion.” Unsolicited feedback from Dad would have backfired.
Diane’s idea worked and son is now dressing more Banana Republic than hip hop slop.
Legitimate feedback is important to seek, assess and implement when it feels right. In order to get important information we need a Board of Directors. I have had one for almost three decades and three of the people have permanent positions because they have my BEST interest at heart be it for my personal life, my speaking business or my career as an author. There are 2-3 positions that rotate depending on the issue to be considered.
Having a savvy financial person on board is important. A colleague, who has actually grown a fortune, helps me and guides me. Another friend is a veteran of publishing from the editorial side and guides me through the rough waters known as authorship.
My speech coach for almost twenty years has helped shape my speaking skills, style and content. I am not interested in the evaluations of people who may have heard 4 speakers that day, got a traffic ticket, started a new diet or had a fight with a boss or spouse. Those things tend to ‘color’ objectivity.
The key here is to have knowledgeable people with experience who know your goals and whom you trust and to whom you will listen even when they are telling you things you don’t want to hear.
IS this a formal deal? NO, most of your board members should be connected to you one way or another. Several of my trusted advisors know all about each other and have never met because they live in different parts of the country.
What do we say to those who offer us negative advice? There is no reason to explain, defend or elaborate an answer to their commentary. It is that person’s perception.
There are several things we can do and say depending on the stakes.
- “My board of knowledgeable advisors who have my best interests at heart is fully staffed.”
- “I don’t remember soliciting commentary.”
- “I learned that one only ventures forth an opinion when asked.”
- “Constructive criticism is a self-cancelling phrase.”
- “Why on earth would you say that!?!” in the tone that makes it clearly a rhetorical question.
OR say nothing and just throw the look that says,
“Shut up! No one asked you.”
IS it ever appropriate to offer an opinion? Of course. When someone asks you for it. But be sure that they are really asking you for feedback and not just to listen. You can figure that out by asking, “I am happy to answer or just listen if you prefer.” And then use “I” messages. “I really think that project is not one that will benefit you in the long haul.” “I’m not a big fan of internet sales but it sounds like you have all the data you need so it may work for you.”
Oh … there is another time when we can legitimately offer our unsolicited opinions… When we have something NICE to say.
