1. Anticipate what you want out of a situation before you go into it.
Savvy negotiator Howard Raiffa once said, "It is easier to deal with a jerk who knows what he wants than a pleasant person who doesn't." Know your most important goal in the situation in advance. Then you will be more able to listen and be open and flexible in the situation. Without a goal, you have less context; thus you listen less and are more likely to be rigid and reactionary. You can \ always change your goal in the situation.
2. Demonstrate visible goodwill up front.
Establish your willingness to find a compromise and your ability to be genial even and especially if you don't like the person or the situation. This is first a commitment to your own standard of behavior and, second, the best way to keep the channels open.
3. Know that "less is often more."
Especially in the beginning, listen more, talk and move less, and keep your motions and voice lower and slower. These animal behaviors increase the chances that others will feel more safe and comfortable around you.
4. Go slow to go fast.
When you first meet and re-meet people, move and talk more slowly and obliquely. Give them room to "own their territory" and feel heard. Later you can be more direct and move quickly. For role models, watch the classic TV lead characters (with the sound on and off) in "Murder, She Wrote," "Matlock," and "Columbo."
5. Act as if the world is going to treat you well.
Look to their positive intent, especially when they appear to have none, and you are more likely to eventually bring out their more positive side.
6. Play with your full deck.
You had a wide variety of physical and verbal ways of behaving, from understated to outspoken, most of which you've lost after around fourth grade. Now you have a more narrow range of behaviors. "Play with your full deck" by using more "cards" -- that is, more ways of reacting to others. Widen your range of behaviors to act more like the person you are with: voice level and range, kinds and number of body motions, and so on. When you are more like them, you will feel more familiar to them, so you can get "in sync" and they can feel more comfortable with you and what you have to say.
7. Step outside yourself to see the situation as the other people might.
In hostile situations we tend to focus on the best parts of how we are acting and the worst parts of how they are acting. This causes escalation. Presume innocence. You can't support the positive side of people by giving more negative feedback.
8. Make an instinctual habit to refer to the other person's interests first.
Practice the thoughtful approach to connecting with others -- "Triangle Talk," referring to their interests first (you), then how the topic relates to your mutual interests (us), and finally, how it relates to your interests (me). Research shows they will listen sooner, longer, remember more, and assume you have a higher IQ than if you address your interests first and then theirs.
9. Act to enable them to save face and self-correct, and you will preserve the relationship.
If you think they are lying, keep asking questions (until you lose control or run out of imagination) rather than accusing them of misrepresentation. Asking questions gives you the time to see if, if fact, you were mistaken, thus possibly saving face for yourself. If your suspicions prove correct, by asking questions, you are gently inquiring rather than blaming, thus allowing them to acknowledge a mistake or misunderstanding and save face. They are then more likely to correct the situation. You also leave room to escalate later if they do not acknowledge the error.
10. Honor commonalities more frequently than bringing up the differences.
Whatever you refer to most and most intensely will be the center of your relationship. Keep referring to the part of them and their points that you can support and want to expand upon.
11. Don't assume they readily see the picture you are presenting.
Do not presume that the other person recognizes all the benefits of what you are proposing. Take time to vividly describe the benefits in their terms.
12. Don't push to close.
When considering how fast to move in to suggest a "final offer" or other form of agreement, lean toward moving slower, especially at first. The best results, as in making a Chinese meal, happen with the most time spent on advanced preparation and groundwork, so the final part goes most smoothly and quickly.
13. Have a main spokesperson.
If there is more than one person representing you or your group's interests, make sure only one person is responsible for taking the lead in discussions and that each person knows the content area and personality style they will represent.
14. Don't offer what you can't accept.
Do not bluff by making an offer you cannot live with if the other person accepts it. For example, in making an offer, do not include anything you believe the other person would find unacceptable and not accept. You might misjudge the person or the situation and find that the person does accept your offer.
15. Make the same offer a different way.
Do not overlook rearranging the same elements of an offer to find a more mutually attractive compromise. For example, in money, consider alternative timing and division of payments.
16. Walk your talk.
Find ways to reflect your values in how you approach your work and all the people in your life. Your mission gives you your daily context and boundaries.
17. Be present.
As many contests require, "You have to be present to win." Keep grounded and involved in what is happening right now and what is being said at the moment, glancing to the past and future only for context and balance.
18. Consider how you say what you say.
Consider their perspective in how you make any request. For example, a priest once asked his superior if he could smoke while praying, which led to a denial of his request. Yet if he'd asked if he could pray while smoking, he might have received a positive response.
19. Make and keep agreements.
