I don’t want anyone to think I didn’t collapse over this – I lived in my house for months. Such an ultimate betrayal messes with your mind; I stopped everything. It took me a good nine months to have a conversation about it. At that point, a local media outlet was doing an article that featured my ex-husband and they called me for comment. I asked them if they would write a story that was worth something, considering all the collateral damage that had been done to my family, his family, his work. They did, and it helped a community heal from the hurt and betrayal.
I know as a “mother bear,” I am extremely strong. Our children just want it to get normal. But when they say, “tell the truth and the truth will set you free,” doing so set our family free of all those demons – wondering what people were saying and thinking. We talked about the elephant in the room. We stayed in the same town and still live in the same house. This was a huge life lesson for my children.
But the source of my strength is not just one moment; it’s a series of moments and events. I’m half Lebanese. We have a big family, we get together for meals, it’s a giant safety net. You surround yourself with people who love you. You see them rally and move on, like when my grandmother – who lived next door and was like a second mom – died suddenly from cancer. You’re a part of this huge extended family unit and become aware of all the people to help you through your everyday losses and struggles.
I had always owned my own business. After the arrest, I terminated my ex-husband’s parental rights, but that meant I was now the sole provider for my family. No child support, no health insurance. I had to give my kids a life. The bank had offered me a job doing business development, and I thought, I’ll do that. I created two community Women In Business organizations; I created the Future Women in Business internship program for college-aged women.
I also became a children’s advocate and started going to conferences, making a larger impact. The reviews came back rating me as the top speaker. They said there are many ex-wives who have been through what you have, but you’re the ONLY one willing to TALK about it! As a strong advocate for children, I started doing training for law enforcement. State, regional and national conferences were all hiring me to come out to speak.
All of this was a direction, a path that was given to me. It took everything in my background as a psychologist, wife, mother … it led me to start speaking to women’s groups as well.
I’m working on my second book. It’s on the side burner (not the back burner). My first book just won a second award (Gold 2009 National Independent Publisher Book Award and 2010 Indie Book Award) and I’m using that as a catalyst. I’m wanting to create an educational foundation to help teach life skills to children in the schools. Prevention of abuse comes from empowering children.
There are two dynamics to my speaking. Number one is to child abuse prevention conferences where I do keynotes, plenary sessions and training.
Number two is overcoming obstacles. I talk about utilizing the good, bad and ugly in your personal life as a catalyst for your professional life. In other words, you aren’t one way in your personal life and another in your professional life. You decide to be the same person all the time. It’s one of the key components to success. I ask my audiences where they are now? What life changes have you been through and what are the opportunities in them? What did you learn about your resilience? Everything I’ve learned has come from the darkest moments of my life.
My crazy life story draws people in, but then I tell them how I came out on the other side – I made it all work. It’s a message that’s a little different from what they expect to hear. I really enjoy talking about that attitude shift to people in law enforcement and children’s protective services. They deal with such difficult issues in their professional lives.
Of all the things I do – work a “day job,” own a side business, sit on boards, volunteer and so on – the best job I’ve ever had is raising my kids and seeing them through the darkest moments of their lives, seeing them evolve, being their mom. They’re teens now. My son had a broken finger and was all, “Mom, this is the WORST thing that’s ever happened to me!” We sat down and had a little “perspective talk.” As a former therapist I know they’re better for it … it’s a joy of motherhood. I’m definitely a mom first.
