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Candid
communication requires more than talent. It involves trust, understanding,
empathy and resolution. It is an art. Yet, time and time again you see people
expecting simple and quick solutions to improve their communication skills. During my
years with Merrill Lynch I observed and coached scores of sales people. Tom
Sherman, a trainer in the New York office, coached me when I started with the
firm. One of the first lessons he shared was: never “ask for the order”
until you feel comfortable enough to borrow ten dollars from your prospect. TRUST How do you
develop trust? How long does it take? Why is trust so important? The are
all good questions for the young aggressive salesperson desperately striving to
be successful. However, everyone who deals with people needs answers to these
questions too. Trust is
mostly about how one person FEELS about another person. The amazing thing about
feelings is that everyone has feelings. Often clients try to hide or disguise
their true feelings when they don’t trust the person with whom They are
dealing. Feelings are not a matter
of being right or wrong. Feelings are just feelings. Whatever your feelings
toward another person, they are undoubtedly based on your past experiences. Feelings
can change and you can earn another person’s trust. The key is to share with
the other person several specific experiences that demonstrate how you are
trustworthy. It starts with simple
things like keeping your word. Call back
when you said you would. Be on time
for your appointments. Ask questions and listen for the answers with interest.
You need to focus on the best interests of the other person as opposed to what
is most convenient or comfortable for you. The time it
takes to develop trust depends primarily on two factors. How positive or
negative were the other person’s similar experiences in the past? Secondly,
how well have you mastered the disciplines of keeping your word and focusing on
the other person’s self interests? UNDERSTANDING Trust takes
time, repetitive positive experiences and consistency. Development of
understanding takes time, a vast array of experiences with all kinds of people,
deliberate hard work, study and a bit of wisdom. This is not a combination you
achieve from one good book or an occasional one-day seminar. Executives
and students desiring to improve their speaking and presentation skills are
often surprised how important it is to understand themselves if they want to
effectively communicate to others. Most people are so concerned with their own
agenda that they can not get beyond it to fully absorb the other person. It may
be they are trying to think what to say next, how to pick apart the other person
or simply be worried about how they look. These are just a few of the many
possible blocks that will inhibit understanding and good candid communication.
First and foremost a person must spend time and effort to understand and be
comfortable with who they are. “An
unexamined life is not worth living.” -Plato Hippocrates,
the father of medicine, was the first to notice, categorize and record the
differences in people’s behavior. Over the centuries others have continued to
refine his ideas. Today most progressive executives are familiar with the
four-quadrant behavior model. It will help you to see what a person’s goals
are, what they fear, and how they are motivated. It will also help you avoid the
possible hazards you encounter with extreme people. Let’s
look at two classic examples. The boss is impatient, loud and doesn’t hesitate
to speak her mind. This is a direct and assertive style. So what could she
possibly fear? If you know the model, it’s simple. She fears losing control or
being taken advantage of by others. When you communicate with her, be direct,
short and to the point. Focus on results, not emotion. Our second
example is a person who works in the accounting department. He spends hours
being sure the numbers come out right. Details are scrutinized. Nickels and
dimes are just as important as the big picture. How do you avoid the BIG
hazards? This person takes pride in
doing things right, a perfectionist. NEVER criticize the way they have performed
a task. A preferred approach would be to share specific and correct information
or numbers with them and after they have been given the new information wait for
them to reevaluate. Understanding
takes time and effort. You must become a student of people. In the preface of
his book, You Are the Message, Roger Ailes says, “It is only through study and
application that we can develop the capability and control needed to be
intelligent speakers and equally important-intelligent listeners. It is only
through knowledge and discussion that we can sharpen our critical judgment, to
distinguish between messengers who are harmful versus those who are
beneficial.” EMPATHY “Given
empathy, brutality becomes impossible.” So says John M. Soderberg the
sculptor. As a child John lived in Afghanistan, India and Thailand. He has seen
a wide range of life experiences. Webster says that empathy is the intellectual
identification with the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another person. To be
empathetic to others, you must be totally receptive, like a dry sponge drinking
up water. This means you are comfortable with yourself. You are not judgmental
of the behaviors, beliefs and backgrounds of those you encounter. You have an
open mind to new ideas and approaches to discussing issues and solving problems. People
intuitively know if you are open to them. No matter what level of education a
person has attained, they seem to be able to recognize when another person is
sincere and caring. Your job is to be open and honest---to actually care about
the other person. Relax, it takes time to be real. RESOLUTION Communication
is not complete until there is closure. This does not mean that you always have
to agree with the other person. You may agree to disagree. It does mean that you have to reach a meeting of the minds. Reality
dictates that it is not always possible to get closure on the spot. Part
of becoming a master communicator or a master sales person is knowing when to
close. Please realize that this is
primarily an emotional issue. Knowing when to close or seek resolution is a
matter of experience and understanding. Effective
communication requires more than talent. It involves trust, understanding,
empathy and resolution. It is an art. Basic Ingredients: TRUST It takes
time, repetition and consistency. Practice
keeping your word. UNDERSTANDING Search to
know yourself completely. Become a
student of people. EMPATHY Be open to
others, not judgmental. Focus on
the other person. RESOLUTION Seek
closure. Be gentle. |
